Newly Dyke, Nearly Dead?: I'm HER-oholic

Newly Dyke, Nearly Dead?: I'm HER-oholic: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/ As long as I don't see her (or only from a distance), I'm fine. So fine that I start believing I'm cured. Whic...

Running away...from myself

I was born a runner, whenever things don't go well i run, im forever craving a fresh start, to re-invent myself try a new lifestyle and be a brand new person and forget the old me... the thing about this is it never works, no matter how far i go 'myself' will always be there, and whatever im running away from will eventually catch up.

There was a time in my life when i felt empty, i felt like i didn't exist i was invincible. i didn't know who i was so much i wouldn't recognize myself in the mirror, it hurt so bad...

And then there was a time when i was numb, i didn't feel, i went with the flow i had a routine a cycle if you may school-work-shopping-clubbing-school. I didn't think much of anything and i didn't feel any sort of emotion towards anything. It got to me, i remember one day sitting on the stairs and realizing i haven't felt anything in a long time...i cried and then i thought how good it felt to cry.

 i found myself in fact i'm still finding out more about me, i'm not sure i'm liking it, i feel so weak so un-grounded, i feel like a child learning to walk and talk, i have no control of myself, i can't express myself in fact i'm not sure how to live on, whats right or whats wrong, it takes  me so long to process my feelings. I'm a wreck i don't know what i'm doing or what i'm saying all i know is i'm messing it up

.....................................................but i guess i should take comfort in knowing i have finally found myself.

And now i wanna run away from myself, i have packed my bags once again, despite having found good reasons for the move i know deep down its just me running away from myself, i feel like i haven't found what i was looking for when i came here, a fresh start.

Holding on too tight

I have had a rather frustrating couple of weeks, i'm over worked, overwhelmed and highly stressed. Ever since the day i honestly truly really accepted i had to let her go, it seems that i simultaneously  held on too tightly to everything everything else

It is really frustrating, i know i have to let loose, clear my head give myself a break but the thought of it actually result in the opposite. I feel like i'm going to fall apart, i'm losing everything and  everyone that i care for is slipping away, so in turn i'm holding on tighter.

i'm holding on to a r/ship with my mom that i wish i had but don't have, i'm putting excessive pressure on my self to do well in school. i need to relax, de-stress and clear my head, but i'm a mess, i have lost too much this year i cant afford to lose anymore. So how do i loosen up without feeling like my world is falling apart, that is a question yet to be answered.