Newly Dyke, Nearly Dead?: I'm HER-oholic

Newly Dyke, Nearly Dead?: I'm HER-oholic: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/ As long as I don't see her (or only from a distance), I'm fine. So fine that I start believing I'm cured. Whic...

Running away...from myself

I was born a runner, whenever things don't go well i run, im forever craving a fresh start, to re-invent myself try a new lifestyle and be a brand new person and forget the old me... the thing about this is it never works, no matter how far i go 'myself' will always be there, and whatever im running away from will eventually catch up.

There was a time in my life when i felt empty, i felt like i didn't exist i was invincible. i didn't know who i was so much i wouldn't recognize myself in the mirror, it hurt so bad...

And then there was a time when i was numb, i didn't feel, i went with the flow i had a routine a cycle if you may school-work-shopping-clubbing-school. I didn't think much of anything and i didn't feel any sort of emotion towards anything. It got to me, i remember one day sitting on the stairs and realizing i haven't felt anything in a long time...i cried and then i thought how good it felt to cry.

 i found myself in fact i'm still finding out more about me, i'm not sure i'm liking it, i feel so weak so un-grounded, i feel like a child learning to walk and talk, i have no control of myself, i can't express myself in fact i'm not sure how to live on, whats right or whats wrong, it takes  me so long to process my feelings. I'm a wreck i don't know what i'm doing or what i'm saying all i know is i'm messing it up

.....................................................but i guess i should take comfort in knowing i have finally found myself.

And now i wanna run away from myself, i have packed my bags once again, despite having found good reasons for the move i know deep down its just me running away from myself, i feel like i haven't found what i was looking for when i came here, a fresh start.

Holding on too tight

I have had a rather frustrating couple of weeks, i'm over worked, overwhelmed and highly stressed. Ever since the day i honestly truly really accepted i had to let her go, it seems that i simultaneously  held on too tightly to everything everything else

It is really frustrating, i know i have to let loose, clear my head give myself a break but the thought of it actually result in the opposite. I feel like i'm going to fall apart, i'm losing everything and  everyone that i care for is slipping away, so in turn i'm holding on tighter.

i'm holding on to a r/ship with my mom that i wish i had but don't have, i'm putting excessive pressure on my self to do well in school. i need to relax, de-stress and clear my head, but i'm a mess, i have lost too much this year i cant afford to lose anymore. So how do i loosen up without feeling like my world is falling apart, that is a question yet to be answered.

Not a fairy tale ending....

I think the process has begun, i have finally accepted that i really have to let this one go and she shall forever remain the one that got away. Its hard, i still think about her everyday.

I found myself jumping into a r/ship with Prec...i now realise what a mistake that was, i feel guilty because i'm thinking about someone else all the time, i'm saying things to Prec that i wanna say to someone else. I know this is not going to end well, but its too late to do anything about it...or rather its too soon.

i don't know whats wrong with me i guess it's love. Not many people believe in love at first sight, they don't believe you can meet someone, look into their eyes and just know at that very moment you love them. Because of this many people miss it, they are too busy looking for something else. The day i saw her and i knew there was something there. I will never know what she was thinking, is thinking or if she really loves me.

 I will take comfort in knowing that i loved, even though i'm now broken i felt love, a feeling so pure and so fulfilling. Now i wanna protect my heart from ever going through this kind of pain, and it seems like an easier option to not love again, to not open my heart to anyone again, but once you have felt that kinda love it can't be easy to settle for anything less. And that's the dilemma i will forever face, i have no doubts i will love her forever, that kinda love doesn't just disappear.

Imagine Me and You

Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

So happy together
How is the weather
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together
Happy together
So happy together
So happy together (ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba)

Hate is a very strong word....

They say you go through five stages of loss i'm not sure if i'm on the second stage or forth...

I hate you for doing this to me
I hate you for making me make such a difficult choice
I hate you for making me cry so much
I hate you because a memory of you can just destroy my mood in seconds
I hate you for not being here with me
I hate you for making me wanna share my life with you when you don't wanna do the same thing
I hate you for making it impossible for me to want anything else
I hate you for making me fall for you when you clearly had to intention to catch me.

And more importantly I love you more than i have ever loved nor wish to ever love someone and i hate you for that too.

Sorry had to let you go

(disclaimer: poem is borrowed and changed a bit)


Sorry I had to let you go
You had a life that was so good and pure
You were already involved that was why I didn't want to ruin your relationship
I knew you loved me more in your heart
I couldn't take the risk of doing that
My heart will always be yours no matter where I go

Sorry I had to let you go
I didn't know what to do but leave
I'll always love you as my best friend
Sorry we couldn't be more
We were just two girls who loved one another
You fell in love with a someone else...
I didn't want to ruin it for you

Sorry I had to let you go
I had to move on from my life
You taught me one thing... how to love someone
And i did love someone... it was you

Sorry I had to let you go
You will be my soulmates til the end
I'll always remember the good times we had
My heart is on the line right now
I couldn't lose the love you gave me
Now I must let you go and say goodbye
 not forever though... at least i hope
One day we will find a way back into each other's lives

Fear and Excitement feel the same...

I read this a while ago
'Fear and excitement feel the same the only difference is the label and thought you attach to the feeling'

True or false

if its meant to be it will be...or will it

Have you ever been faced with a decision, and made a choice, one that you have to live with everyday, you try to be ok with it, and you try to find reasons to justify that choice, yet deep down in your heart you know it wasn't the right one and you know that its not supposed to be the way it is?

Soon to be mom of 2

Yes i will soon be mom of two, i have decided now is the time despite all the disapproval i will get. There is someone who i do wish i could have gotten the chance to discuss this with before making the decision but you know life gets in the way, but hopefully we will chat about it soon.

That being said im going on a sperm hunt... if you wondering no i'm not going to sleep with a stranger. i'm looking for a donor, a very black, very African donor and will be doing a home insemination, after all it shouldn't cost me to get pregnant right?

decisions decisions...

I have a decision to make, in fact i have already made that decision, i know it's what i want, i know i can handle it and i know the timing is right, perfect actually. My mind and my heart are made up BUT.....

I just can't seem to come to terms with the fact that no one and i do mean no one, will agree with my decision let alone support it/me.

home sweet home

There's no place like home. Just visited mom, technically to help her pack the place up, shes moving to a place in the middle of nowhere.

I'm a bit sad i will never have 'my room' with 'my bed'. But something got me thinking, every time i visit within less than 24hrs i'm wishing i could go back home.

That being said i really miss home, my home, my house. but then again this is the last time at 'my home', i no longer have a home to go to, to run away from my problems.

I Want You...

Ok so i really like this girl... and i mean REALLY like this girl

Shes so beautiful and absolutely amazing. We see each other at least once during the week and sometimes we catch up for a night out unfortunately im just a friend :( I saw her today we had a chat and god i'm mesmerized, i just... i cant even find the words to describe what i feel for her and how she makes me feel when i'm with her.

Sad thing is she probably would never go out with me.

Study week

Beginning of every semester every student is looking forward to study break, making big plans for holidays or planning to be relaxing at the beach or in my case spending the week at my parents house in Sydney for the last time before its put on the market for rent.

As study break approaches it slowly becomes clear that the week will be spent buried under books and research thesis because all the assignments will be due first week back. Yes that is my plans for study break, finishing my research thesis and drafting law reports.
*sad face*

One at last..

Yes my baby girl is finally one....12 months she has been alive and in those twelve months we have had so much fun and done a whole lot of growing up... both of us.

It seems like my life took a different direction when she was born, whole new perspective, a new personality a new role and a new destiny. I knew that i wanted to be a lawyer when she was born. i moved interstate after she was born and most importantly i found out who i really am after she was born. She is my savior and my angel.

They never take the easy way out..

I guess introductions are in order.

Viv's dad will call him LG. Well he lives about couple of hours from us, half a day drive to be exact. he has no contact with her, no visits or call not even just to see how she is, this is all his doings by the way.

As of me n him, we never really went anywhere, r/ship is fucked literally and there's history of abuse...that's all i can say. To be honest i don't hate him or have any ill feelings towards him, but i am truly afraid of him, i don't think i can have a decent conversation with him and i fear what he will make me agree to do if i talk to him, and i do not want to be in the same room with him ever nor do i ever wanna be alone with him.

That being said, i need a passport for my sweet for a holiday and he is saying no. Now i gotta go through court and for me to go through court i have to go through mediation first and that requires me sitting in a room with him and talking to him.

DAMN YOU!!

Old habits die hard

Lately my head has been exploding because i let all my thoughts pile up in there. There is so much going on at the moment i'm so confused and i'm tired. I hate and i do mean hate having house mates or whatever. I miss being free around my home, the silence and i so miss the cleanliness of my home before. I honestly want them gone but i don't know how to make that happen.

School is getting busy, i guess the honey moon period is over, yes i am now officially in a committed relationship with the law and hoping to get married in the next 2 or 3 years when i get admitted into the law society or the bar. Back to the point, its hectic 3 research assignment and a very tricky family law assignment. 4 Weeks into the session and i'm already 100% sure i do not want to have anything to do with family law. Its my opinion that family law is absolute bull, its unfair and there's no such thing as fairness and justice in that area of law, yet its very important and again in my opinion the most needed piece of legislature.

Im hoping to be able to come in here and write some more to allow space to take all these reading in before exam time, 4 HDs is what i'm after this time around. On the last note who knew employment law could be so damn boring.

explanation of my relationship

birthday blues

Its miss Viv's first birthday in exactly two weeks. Im excited and looking foward to it, its a big deal. Nobody seems to care, nobody doesnt even wanna help me celebrate it, even her grandparents can you believe my mother even said to me "well i dont celebrate birthdays anymore" i feel like just being furious but with everything going on i dont even have the strength to be. I guess its just you and me Viv just like its always been. I love you

One in a zillion

I gotta say im loving my life, its amazing how good you feel once you accept yourself and stop living by other peoples rules.

Last night i went clubbing with my friend Hayles, the night started well, had drinks at her place and left about 9:30pm, went to this club shooters it was fun, its been a long time since i went out, usual drinking dancing non stop and trying to get away from men. Then it got interesting...

I just miss her

I really miss her, im trying to act like i don't, pretend that im ok and that everything is fine but i miss her so much, i can't stop thinking about her, i cry when no one is around, but its best this way for her i think... i hope she is good and mostly happy.

But what do you want...

I'm confused, now i know growing up i have never been able to be myself, because theres always something wrong with what i think or wanna do so its been challenge. Before i decide on any decision i always consider what others want and what they would say, but lately i been more inclined to listen to what i want and that creates confusion, well anyway

Teenage-ville

So im living with two teenagers, my good friend and her boyfriend,  Im so glad i will have grown up and hopefully learned  a lot more about teenagehood when my baby girl is a teen.

not up to it at all

Wow its been so long since i felt like writing, and to be honest i still don't feel like writing anything. I guess that's what happens when the storm ends...silence.

in the name of S.E.X

So i listen to morning talk show, its like as soon as i open my eyes the radio goes on, bet no one will believe me when i say i was born in the 90s. Anyway one of the fascinating topics of today was virgins, it turns out there is someone at the age of 72 who still hasn't had sex, as if i needed anymore reminders that i need to get laid. Top 5 songs that turns me on and gets me in the mood to just....well you get the picture.

confession of a sexaholic

I have a confession to make, i'm so damn horny its unbelievable. The last couple of days all i can think about is sex, day and night. All i want is sex, so much its frustrating me. As if being frustrated and unbelievably horny wasn't enough, but i'm also embarrassed by this, i'm even embarrassed to admit it to myself, and this is one of the many ways that our society is so fucked up.

i hate this part right here...

Its been what...2 or maybe 3 weeks since we had that conversation, i miss her so much. I miss getting random texts from her, i miss talking to her first thing in the morning and listening to her complain about work, and i miss all the late night chats, but mostly i miss having her around when i need her, knowing i can count on her to be there when i need help.

Randomness of my days

I always wondered what a bus driver does when he suddenly needs to 'go' while doing his runs, today i find out the embarrassing truth. If at all you can not hold it in, you have one option really and that is to answer nature's call. Look for gas station or fast food outlet, park the bus and leave all the passengers waiting while you dash inside to find the restroom, rush back to the bus full of passengers who were just about to lose their patience, as you walk in everyone is starring at you with that look that pretty much says ' i know exactly how long you took in there and have a pretty good idea what you were doing.' As if that wasn't embarrassing enough one of the passengers says 'Nice of you to come back, feel much better now?'  All i can say is i'm glad i'm not and will never be a bus driver in that situation.

Progress...

i thought i was making progress, guess i was wrong. Oh did i just have a re-lapse? hmm starting to sound like an addict. Now that i'm no longer breastfeeding i miss my boys, wish i could have some jack or Johnnie but i wonder if it will be wrong. I thought i would stay away from alcohol for good but i honestly cant see myself doing that. Hmm i guess i'm lucky i'm on antibiotics and cant drink...but is it really luck? i think i wanna have a cigarette just one i miss it. maybe tomorrow, yes definitely.

Silly Silly me i have to be sent to the naughty corner for 21 minutes

My world came to a complete stop, while i was taking a minute to understand why everything suddenly started moving at such a high speed that i got dizzy. I have a massive headache because i just cannot control thought running through my head, they go by so fast i cant even  understand a single one of them. My heart is beating so fast, so many emotions i'm feeling all at one time i just cant handle it.

We are on a mission part 2

Mission one has been accomplished, my little angel sleeps on her own and through the night. I'm a proud and well rested mum.

Mission two- a happy mummy.

Then What??

I been thinking a lot about my current situation, wondering what i should do and if it will be the right thing. I read one of my previous posts about whats important and accepting things as they are, i asked my self, then what?? so i'm just a friend, what do i do now, do i stop loving her, get over her and move on? What if i don't want to do that? Does it mean the absolute end?

its time

i hit rock bottom this morning, turned into a psychotic woman. A visit to the psychologist is called for here, my biggest fear is becoming a reality.

down down down

I feel down

i feel like a useless piece of s*

i feel disrespected

i feel unloved and uncared for

i feel alone

i feel like one of those people who let their kids define them

i feel like im losing my newly found self esteem

i feel hurt

i feel like i shouldn't be alive

i feel like i really hate life

i feel like crying

i feel like hurting myself

i feel like a wreck

i feel undeserving

i feel like just sleeping

im tired of this

im tired of life

Im tired of wanting....anything

Im tired of waiting

Im tired of not finding

im tired of being tired

what i really want is to be happy, to find something good in my life, why is that so damn hard. i really want all this running around to stop, to just settle down and live my life, to stop wondering where its going to go, i want everything to be in place. Or if thats all too damn much can i just have a mind of a typical 20 year old who just care about the next party or their next hook up.

Why or why is it that im like this seriously god damn, i bet hes just loving this, watching me break down into pieces. Im really really sick and tired of all these games, someone please give me a new, fresh, and bearable perspective. ANYWAY life goes on.

The most important things

so yeah my day was very interesting, i woke up anxious, bursting inside and just needing to express my feelings except i didn't get the chance to, however i did manage to get the whole story so from there i just went to pissed. i was angry and feeling very argumentative and eventually irritable. needless to say i got up and became a mom, however i wasn't very attentive to my little girl who hadn't done anything to deserve that treatment. being such a smart girl ( takes after mommy) she figured she might as well get both of us out of the dark place we were in, so while i was sitting there staring into space and consumed by my thoughts she said

We are on a mission...

Yes we are on a mission, a mission to get Miss V sleeping in a cot through the night and hopefully self settling, and yes the second part is a very long shot. Co-sleeping was lovely, she nursed to sleep and would wake up at night next to food, feed and sleep neither one of us had to be up for long, but now neither one of us gets much sleep so as much as i loved it something has got to give. Game Plan.....

Expectations

Why do we have to have expectations, both on our selves, our friends, family and life it self.  My aim in life is to go through it with as little emotional pain as possible, in order to do that i have to cut down on my disappointments and that really comes from unmet expectations. So there, i don't expect much from myself, from people around me and from the world at large. Some may think its wrong to do that, or that i'm missing out on something but quite honestly all i want is to be happy and if that means expecting nothing that so be it.

oh my god what am i doing

Ok seriously now, i don't know what the hell i been doing lately. I been so wrapped up in my non-existent love life that is like a soap opera, trust me the bold and the beautiful doesn't even come close, anyway i will do what i think i should consider doing in my life, separate things so here goes

Ticking time bombs

I feel good but for some reason it seems like there are a few ticking time bomb here, i wish she could see it. unfortunately i don't have the words to explain it to her. Its like theres a bomb, she knows where it is and how it got there but is not fussed to do anything about it. As much as i wanna believe that this will all work out i'm afraid there will be a few explosions before that happens, yes we trying to avoid that but in my opinion its just delaying it, but anyway maybe i'm just over thinking it and maybe its not my problem to worry about.

Ooops!!

Im so stupid, i told her i want to have her babies WHAT!!! yes thats right i just said, i wanna have your baby grrrrrrr!!! i feel like hitting my head against the wall a few times. Then i went on to tell her i been thinking about it for a while more than 8 months,

Nothing to report really

Other than the affairs of my silly little heart theres not much going on here

Viv
she has done a few things lately,cut two bottom teeth ( very horrible experience for the both of us) is crawling and moving about, lately been standing, kinda scary as she falls quite a bit. i just officially weaned her from breastfeeding, well at least for during the day im not sure what i will do about night feeds, it shall be interesting.

You! Yes...You (don't read)

I cant stop thinking of you, yes i know we have made a decision and yes i know i never wanted to talk about it ever again but i just cant stop thinking about it. I found a way to stop it hurting so bad but i just havent found a way to stop it driving me crazy

i guess i have just been hard headed lately, i know it is what it is, and nothing can be done about it, well atleast by me but i just know in my heart its supposed to be different, it has to be, i feel like im giving up, i feel like im failing myself once again.

One of those days

Im not only having one of those days but this is one of those posts too. I don't even know what im writing, just literally what ever flows through my head. Its 6:30am i haven't had much sleep and i should be getting ready to get out of here but for some reason i feel like i could just crawl into a cave and never come out. I feel like im going to explode inside. i tried so hard not to open up and acknowledge my feelings let alone express them, but guess i didn't try hard enough now i just feel like i invaded a bee hive and im getting stung every freak-en minute. There are so many things that i want to say to her but i just cant, i cant even write them down because im pretty damn sure its only going to make it worse but god am i exploding inside.

Im driving myself crazy, replaying the conversation, trying to figure out if i missed something and wondering if im doing the right thing. Theres that sentence that keeps popping up, its amazing how just one single sentence can turn your world upside down. i have questions, so many but i know asking them wouldn't be fair, even though she told me not to worry about her, i cant help it, after all thats what you do when you care.

A question as simple as ''What about me?" can drive you crazy. Words as simple as they may seem can have so much impact in our life. I so wish i knew what the hell im meant to do right now? and what pissess me off the most is that i don't even know if it will ever change, or this is how it will be forever.

How im going to make it through the days is still a mystery to me.

Feeling a bit blah

I'm feeling a bit blah today, looking back this whole week has been a big block of blah. I'm so not bothered to study right now and i have an inspection tomorrow so have to clean, i have to go next door to give T her birthday present but i'm just not bothered and don't really wanna face her mom, there been a lot of arguing in that house lately it makes me uncomfortable, i hate confrontations and yelling.

Went looking for new day care center today, saw a few and finally found one i'm happy with, so glad now i'm wondering if Viv should go to day care tomorrow and i either sleep and relax or go to uni and study obviously being the good student i will be at uni :(

For some odd reason i miss being pregnant today, and here is what i miss
miss my round tummy, and rubbing it
 resting my arms and plate on my tummy,
 when bub has hiccups
 all the flatters and kicks keeping me up all night.
 listening to her heartbeat at ultrasounds
sleeping all morning
the midnight runs to get chocolates and ginger biscuits

i could go on all night, actually makes me sad i just wanna hold my tummy but there nothing in there anymore  :(

I do love my little girl so much, and shes grown so fast and still growing, she absolutely adorable and i just cannot express enough just how much i love her. I feel sorry for her dad and anyone who doesn't have a chance to watch their kids grow up everyday. Speaking of daddy, so many people thinks he's such a well typical ''baby daddy' and that its such a tragedy that he is not here with us or taking care of Viv, but i honestly
don't think so. i think he is a wonderful guy who may have had his world turned upside down unexpectedly, and he gave me my beautiful princess, he is the reason why i'm happy with my life now (well for the most part) i'm happy to let him be and live his life, i get such great satisfaction in being able to look after Viv and giving her everything she needs and she has it all, Now maybe if we were struggling and going without and he wasn't helping then it will be a tragedy but at the moment its not.

I choose this life for me, and he should have a chance to choose too without looking bad. That being said yes we have days where we don't see eye to eye, we argue at times and there days im just plaid pissed at him, but most of it is caused by all the pressures on him.

*after all that i still feel blah, sleep time*

To our former day care

Viv's previous day care has been a nightmare and as suggested here is what i would say to them:

I am her mother, i know best, what i say goes and i have the last word. My experience with kids and my age has absolutely nothing to do with it because all that matter is im her mother. i don't care if you have raised three kids and have been a carer for over 10 years, i don't care about what you did with or for your kids and i really don't wanna know about your parenting style and what worked for your kids and all the other kids you looked after. My daughter is not an ordinary kid, i know what she likes and what she doesn't like, i don't feed her anything and everything, i don't let her cry all day, i don't ignore her, i don't leave her in a pram all day and i don't let her cry herself to sleep, i expect you to treat her the same as i do and what i say you should do, thats what i pay you for, not to give me parenting lesson and look after her the way you raised your kids. Honestly i find it ridiculous that you expect an 8 months old baby to be happy left alone inside while you play outside with other kids,

Train of Thoughts

Its amazing how you can start with a single thought and find you have covered more than 5 issues within minutes, i had a train of thoughts today it went like this:

I decided to have a rest today and not study tonight, so i surfed the net endlessly and got really bored, i wondered, i hear of people who are glued to the computer, what the hell do they do in there, from there i thought  i like being busy, that way i never get bored, or maybe i do it to avoid feeling lonely. I am kind of lonely right now, and most days, everything i do im alone, i don't even have friends at uni or anywhere else around here. i remember once telling a dear friend of mine that i don't like attention and she said to me '' you only saying that now, when you don't get it you will want it'' she was right, but also she was wrong, in the end what i should have said was i don't like the attention i'm getting. that led me to remember all the things that happened to me when i was in primary school, the attention i got from boys and still do and also what happened to me, as thats a painful memory i shut it down immediately. then i remembered Viv's Dad.

I don't talk about him much on here, sometimes i even forget about him and pretend to the extend that i somewhat believe she doesn't have a father. hes a nice guy really he just doesn't know where he is headed yet,  another friend of mine said to me i'm so independent that i'm pushing him away and enjoying being a single mom, one other friend says i'm intimidating him and making him feel inadequate because i can provide for her and basically don't need him. I confronted him about these two theories and he confirmed both, and added i have also been quick to solve every problem he or we came across since i got pregnant and thus i'm making him feel less like a man. Speaking of which he did say he wants to buy her a cot but i just got her one today, oops!! But you know what i'm not going to sit around waiting for him to decide to be a man and i'm certainly not going to let my daughter go without just to stroke his man ego. I give him plenty chances to do something for Viv and he always has an excuse or reason to do it later, Viv can't wait.

This all reminded me of the good times, when we used to talk for hours and when i felt loved and needed, i wonder if i will ever feel like that again. I miss that feeling of knowing someone is thinking about you, or knowing you are the reason they are so happy and that no matter what is happening they are looking forward to seeing you. That feeling you get when they look deep in your eyes and you feel their touch... i think you get the picture. It makes me wonder if wanting all this is the reason i'm holding onto the past, its not really them that i'm keeping close its the feeling of being wanted.

in the end its not good, i'm not as wanted as i want, neither one of them give me what i want. they don't give me the attention i want. they may say they love me but its not the love that i want. I'm always talking about them loving me but never about me loving them, hmmm!! makes you wonder. Despite holding on to them i couldn't say i love them although, i could however say i settled for a glimpse of what my heart yearns for. That being said my whole life i have settled, mostly because i craved the so called ''normal'' life.

I don't wanna be normal, i don't wanna settle and as the theme song from one of my favourite TV series goes:

i don't wanna be anything other than me

geez how did i get here?? i wonder??
(after reading that post, i sound like a train wreck)

Motherhood

i was planning to write a long post about motherhood and link it to what im feeling but i decided short and sweet will do.

My mother hurts me a lot, most of the time when i talk to her, especially when i need her help and support, i always end up with a broken heart and tears. I don't know what its going to take for her to realize she has emotionally neglected me, but i have had it, im done making excuses for her, im tired of feeling sorry for her, yes it eases my pain wen i do this but its been too long, the last thing a child should have to do is make excuses for why shes being hurt by her own mother, i don't want my daughter to grow up doing that. I still care for her, after all she gave life to me, and at times i love her, mostly times when i think theres so many things she could have done with me or to me or even about the pregnancy, if you know what i mean. i don't want to hurt her and i don't want to hear her sadness and see her hurt look so im not going to say anything to her, but if i could this is what i would say:

1. I know for the first 16 years of my life you were always away studying and had to love me from a distance but that was supposed to change when we started living under the same roof and within the same country, you are supposed to now take a more active role in my life.

2. Mothers help their children, teaches them and supports them. This may all be new to you since you are still a new mom despite having 3 kids. i grew up learning to solve my own problems and being miss independent but that was all because mom was not around, so when i come to you with a problem, yes i know im capable of solving it my self but i just want my mom's help not for her to tell me i can do it. I know who i am and what im capable of doing as nice as it is to hear you say it i still want your input, not because im stuck but because you are my mom and i can get to say well i couldn't have done it without my wonderful mom. When i ask you to show me how to do something or ask you to teach me something 80% of the time i do know but just want to be able to say ''my mother showed me how to do that'' or '' my mother taught me'' and the other 20% i know i can google it or look at the manual but again i want to share an experience with my mother.

3.When i have a crisis and a breakdown and come to you, i do not want a solution or for you to tell me how i can choose how i feel or to tell me that im being silly or you don't see or understand why im upset. I want you to recognize that im hurting and that should be the only thing that matters not the details of why how when. And most times i want you to agree that its hurtful and be a shoulder for me to cry on, give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be ok. i cannot stress this more i doesn't matter whats wrong all that should matter to you is that im hurting and that should be the one thing you do not want for me.

4.Yes you have been with Francis for a long time, but guess what i have only known him for 3 years. I was 6 years old when you and him got together, you build a life together but i wasn't part of it, you may have talked about me and included me in your plans but i had no clue who he is or even that he is your partner. When i met him he was just my mom's friend who brought me stuff from mom, and i forgot about him within an hour, so yes i was very surprised to find he lives with you.  When you married him, again i was not informed and did not know anything, when i moved here i didn't know i would be living with him. So its very unreasonable for you to ask me to call a man i just met and know nothing about my father, and its very very uncomfortable. Its was unfair and again unreasonable for you to tell me and expect me to live with his parents when i visit back home, i don't know if you realize you are asking me to forget about my grandmother the woman to raised me, was up with me at night when i was having nightmares, held my hand when i was sick, taught me everything i know. she is the reason i am who i am today, and i love her. What you asking is for me to become a visitor in her home and go live with a woman who's first name i don't even know, a woman i wouldn't even recognize should i run into her in the street. Yes at your wedding ceremony i was energetic, seemed happy and danced more than i have ever done but that was to prevent myself from breaking down in tears, it was the only way i could maintain the fake smile i and on. i bet you don't even remember that i was sitting in the back of the house the day before the wedding crying upon hearing i was going to have to change my name and move houses. I do hope you realize im never changing my name, its who i am, and its the family i know and love.

and thats the short version. ;(

Soul Searching

I think this idea is a bit oversold, all the negative things that may come from doing it aren't disclosed as much as they should be. What if, as it is with my case, in the process of soul searching you offend someone you truly care about and risk losing them. i didn't mean to but i did, as much as the excuse of it was long time ago when i was too young to understand goes, its really not an excuse or atleast thats what i think. So when this happen what do we say, is soul searching still a good process and only good things can come from it?

And what happens when you uncover things from your past, things you purposely buried deep down and never looked back. What if you suddenly develop the desire to open those long lost memories up and explore more. Theres a reason why i haven't so much as thought of her in 7 years, now all i want is to find out more about her, questions are flooding my mind, where is she? what is she doing? how is she? what does she look like? does she even remember me? i wanna know but wouldn't that be a bad idea, wouldn't that be opening a can of worms that was closed up for a really good reason? but on one hand im soul searching right.

Also what happens when i start doubting my decisions and the choices i made so far, what happens when i start wondering if things would be different had i made a different choices, is this good? If i had not been afraid of what was happening and stayed what would have happened? would my life be different now?

I can't help wonder? i cant help wonder how it would have been to be with her? I can help wonder if my desire to find her is a result of me regretting the choices i made? i can't help but wonder what would happen if i find her? i cant help but wonder if the next thing im going to do will be a mistake?

I think i should leave the past in the past but my curiosity almost always overpowers me. We'l see how it goes.

im soul searching

The Ex-file

When talking about past relationships and exes, i wish i would say im opening a can of worms, a past thats in the past and  gladly forgotten, but i have come to realize i haven't closed any of those chapters in fact my past is in the present and threatening any future i may have.Four exes are still a part of my life, and surprisingly a great part of it, they holding me back.

Firstly my romeo, yes he was my forever before we even dated, i spent years and years loving him in and out when the time came it was gone...the love i mean. we had a long shallow relationship eventually i cut him loose, yet he still lurks around, i still at fall for the idea of being with him, i tap into those fantasize i had about him and me and we still talk and he still tells me how i mean the world to him and he loves me.

Second is my prince charming, yes the one who killed the dragon and saved me from the tower. You see i fell for someone, it didn't feel right or natural but damn she was beautiful so i ran and i fell in his arms. He protected me and we had a wonderful 2 years, did not end well, i ran again as usual. but last few years we have been going back and forth and recently i began to think maybe i should let go and im wondering if i really love him thats never a good sign.

Third is... my friend who is not a friend, yes we attempted to date it failed we remained friends. or are we. He loves me he wants me, i want and need a friend so i keep him around and every time he slips and lure him and make him believe i want him. now i cant take the begging anymore.

Lastly baby daddy himself, he gives me a headache but truth is he is a lovely guy and i know exactly what he is going through, lucky for me when i was going through the same thing there was no baby involved. Hes just a guy who was going through a tough time and dug himself deeper instead. We have a typical relationship of people who have an unplanned baby but aren't together but it gets tricky, he still wants me but doesn't want the baby, lol. being around him in a friendly way i feel like a single mom with non biological person if u know what i mean.

Something tells me unless i cut off these people, well at least some, i wont have a future, somehow i got to find a way to keep my past exactly there, in the past. how do people do it? its so much easier to be friends with them considering i did love them, and they played a very big part in my life as it is now. I don't see a future for myself and for my baby girl until i sort this out. Definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, this is how my life feels especially my love life.

I need a fresh start and new people in my life. but HOW?

Where is the glue

Second week at Uni rundown:

missed my monday lecture as i flew back that morning, but wasn't bad i did listen to the lecture that evening and was well aware of the materials being covered and my readings we all done, none the less i felt bad doing it, after all this year is all about discipline.

Tuesday was good, despite me falling asleep quite often during my first lecture, yes very terrifying, the guy needs a lesson himself, it honestly bored me to death, and the rest of my day was awesome.

Wednesday i had some me time Viv at day care, i studied watched some tv and cooked until i got a call from her carer demanding i rush over to get her :( sad really when you pay someone to look after your kid and they tell you they cant handle them yet expect full payment, i was very upset especially learning my precious little girl is left to cry all day, so much till she fall asleep.

Anyway Thursday i woke up ready and excited to go to uni only to receive a message to let me know i can not bring Viv to day care as they are ''tired'' SERIOUSLY i have uni in 2 hours what do you suggest i do now. basically i reached panic mode, tried to find a sitter with no luck, finally accepted im not going to uni.

After getting over my depression i decided to stop on campus study and transfer to external study, at least them i will be home with bub, it wont be easy but what else can i do Viv first, school second. I will send her to day care 1 day a week and see how that works out, fingers crossed.

Its Darkest before dawn

I had a full on week, my first classes went all that bad but then again most of them werent scheduled so i only had 2 hours worth of contact and a lot of reading and studying in the library, here's a few mistakes i wish to never do again:

1. Do not be late for your first class or any class- yes i was late for my very first class of the year, in my defence it was the bus that was late which made me miss my shuttle bus to uni, but none the less this should never ever happen.

2. Always make sure things are in order before you leave the house- i spent a good few minutes agonizing about whether i switched the stove off when i left in the morning, when i should have been concentrating in class,it cost me a lot because i kept on missing bits and pieces of the lecture.

Looking forward to my next week though, im ready to dive in, and oh i got my results from my summer session unit GPA of 5 not bad, but also not great i need an average of 6, or atleast thats the goal.

Wednesday we went to see grandparents, Viv was happy and so was i, for the first few hours, i wish my r/ship with step-father was ideal but its not. I really cant stand being around him for long, he just gets under my skin even when he's not really doing anything. I do miss my father though, yes i know we didn't really know each other but its so much easier to love someone you know is connected to you biologically that someone you just met yesterday and today are told to call him dad. I wish mum had gone about this better but hey whats done is done, and after this trip i can say proudly, moving away was the best decision i ever made.

Viv went and saw dad today and he made sure my trip was less that ideal and just spoiled my mood sll in all, i feel bad for being happy while we are far far away from him but i do. I mean i get hes mad and his male ego is a little tinted but for heavens sake get over it. The things he told his mum  were plain hurtful and a tad far from the truth, when i confronted him about it he did what he does whenever he is caught doing something wrong silence. And his friend, the one who claims im an unfit and irresponsible mom was there, it killed me to see the girl who hates me for having my daughter and who wishes my daughter was hers, well wishes she had a baby with FOB( father of baby), my life was easier if i could pretend she didn't really exist. I'm just so hurt today, from a trip that was supposed to be fun, i wish they would all just leave me alone, i'm really exhausted from everyone making my life their business, i know its not their fault as they don't know the real story or how i really feel but cant they just take my word for it and be happy, i know i would be.

Now they want a DNA test, like seriously whats going to come out of it?? He doesn't want it, its not like he is paying child support or ever will, his parents are not going to contribute to my daughter's upbringing and as for mine i really wonder why they care. I'm her mother and i'm doing everything for her, i'm taking up all this, and im going through more than anyone knows, so why do i need to prove anything to anyone, why do i need to prove that he is her father, he is not acting like one and doesn't intend to, why cant everyone just leave me alone, accept what i say and fit their lives around it, why do i have to fit my life and decisions around them when neither one of them cares about mine and especially when its not going to change a thing. I know this sounds bad but honestly i don't care, i'm sick and tired of being the one who makes compromises.

Monday cant come fast enough, i cannot wait to go home to my peaceful home.

It Bites, its painful

School starting next week, i thought i might go to orientation, get myself in the study zone and meet some new people, but it was the worst mistake ever. I was so bored and reminded of why i hate uni. On the bright side, i got my classes fixed, yes im special i managed to get the timetable changed to accommodate me and my daughter's needs.

A close friend of mine came to visit me, it was nice to see him and be reminded i'm not alone, anyway i got bitten by an ant today and 5 hours later it still hurts so much i feel like crying. I'm excited to start studying, i'm also excited to be going to see mum at the end of the week, but not so excited to be going Canberra but Viv has to see dad and this will be the last time i make an effort for him to see her, from now on he is on his own and i pray to god he actually does pull some weight on this one.

So Remember that photographer i mentioned well i king of texted him and hes going to get back at me as soon as he comes back from his overseas trip, i figured it wouldn't hurt right, plus we could use with some extra cash.

Heres the run down for my courses this session

1. legal and conveyancing practices- This unit looks at the accounting side of legal practices, lecturer seem to be fun and youthful hopefully it wont be that bad.

2. Criminal processes- I'm looking forward to this actually, and i have to sit through court hearing and do a report on them. Already we started a discussion about What makes a criminal, If its illegal to give customers plastic bags and a shop attendant does this does it make her a criminal. I think we will enjoy this unit

3.  Interviewing, negotiation and ethics- hmmm not much to say but looking forward to this one, it will help with my decision as im looking in to practicing in the alternative dispute resolution department and family law which yes deals with lots of negotiations.

4. Litigation Practices- only one thing to say here, if i fail this one i'm quitting law school.

Will have more after my first week. So Stoked about it.

Oh by the way Viv is settling well in day care, which makes it so much easier for me to concentrate, phew, except for one thing, her sleeping habits have changed she now cries herself to sleep even when im holding her, i wonder if its what she does all day when in day care. And im worried they let her spend the whole day in the pram, she was just starting to crawl thats never going to happen when strapped in a pram. might have to talk to them about this, i hate having to do it, hate getting the 'you are young and don't know much about babies, we are more experienced' look it eeks me because she's my child and i handle her very well thank you very much.

Discipline....pffft

So its finally happening first session/semester is starting, next week is orientation week, not sure if i really have to go to that but hey its about discipline right. i really want to get disciplined for this course so here is what i plan to do:

1, after reading posts online im supposed to treat law school like a job wake up same time everyday and study for the same amount of time. Now that will prove a little difficult with a 7 month old who has her own schedule, so 3 days of disciplinary study and the rest of the time just scheduled study will have to do for now, i guess we will see how things go i can put her in day care full time if thats not enough.

2, No last minute assignments and no last minutes cramming for exams and definitely no ''its open book exam i will be fine no need to study hard'. This has been my problem all along, i like last minute stuff but that has to change.

3, No laptop in lectures or tutorials, facebook is an addictive disease seriously

4, Note taking very important pen paper=good,  laptop=bad

5, Participation in class, i know i can be shy sometimes but that aint going to do me any good.

and lastly DO IT NOW, thats all i can say erase the word later in vocabulary.

Overall weekend was good, took pictures of me and bub and photographer asked if i wanted to model for him pfffft...as if im a law school mom no time to pose. Haha!!

Viv started day care yesterday, in my opinion went well, no excessive crying but she didn't eat at all. She seemed happy though but i think her carer wasn't too happy to my surprise you, would think someone who had 3 kids close in age would understand how a new born acts in new environment and would juggle her and 4 older kids but no that wasn't the case. Im thinking i might have to look for an in-home carer for this one, if only it wasnt so expensive. so fingers crossed she starts being good and eating.

Cyclone yasi

So after i had enough i packed my bags and took my little angel to the coast, two days after arriving there were floods and everyone was scared for us, but i wasn't, i don't know why. So anyway after all the floods there was cyclone Yasi a category 5 cyclone that was probably going to destroy everything, lucky for us it was up north, but i was having my very own cyclone Yasi this past week.  Its interesting one person is putting me between a rock and a wall cant stay like this any longer but also don't want to give up, the other is plain pissing me off and acting like an immature piss of s**,i  have an exam coming up so have to study, baby crying for mummy's attention and a girl taking out her anger on me. it was indeed a category 5 one. But i'm pulling myself together.

By the way Viv is starting day care Monday, first time away from mommy, but honestly i think this will be harder on me than her, she's so independent, most times i'm jealous and wish i had a personality like hers

But my storm has settled down, time to turn on the news and find out how the north Queensland people survived. I hope they made it though, we have suffered enough this year.

Vee is here

So Viv was born in July, doctors thought she needed to come out soon because at 8 month preg the only way a person would know i was pregnant was if i tell them and even then they still wouldn't believe me, so i got induced early thus her arriving after 2 hours of labour, lol ( soo lucky).

Still a single mom, and somehow along the way i got the courage to apply to a different uni for a law degree, because i did not have enough uai to get in i applied for associate degree and will be transferring to BA after my first year.

I have a new born bub and im in uni, genius.... but i managed. im doing my course online by the way. its hard doing assignments while feeding every 2 hours and never getting more than three hour sleep. Viv's dad is not so sweet, and very immature and difficult if he doesn't get his way. i have better things to worry about, so i let him hate me from a distance.

How i became a mom

We all know the answer to that one LOL!! but heres the story anyway.

Beginning of 2009 i left the love of my life miles away to come and study...things did not go well so we broke up.

fast forward 7 months later,

had quit uni, i was depressed i drank i even smoked (very embarrassed to admit it), typical night for me i was getting ready to go clubbing got a call from my very annoying other ex and he wanted me to talk to his friend which i did, he seemed sweet but a bit weird as he did not know me but already expressed interest  me (one would think that would have been first sign to RUN!!) the following week we talked twise a day everyday, exchanged photos and it felt nice, slowly i got out of my depression and started feeling worthy and lovable again.

He convinced me to enrol back in uni, so i got my self in an economics degree ( i always liked eco) the i went to meet this mystery man on my phone, he wasn't bad looking and it was night i knew i would never forget just did not know it will be because an angel will come from it.

so december 2009 i was pregnant, daddy was overseas and it became apparent i will be a single mom.

Who am i

so who am i, thats the question i have been asking my self for too long but i have a few points so far

im 20 years old
im a mommy to 1 little princess  6 months to date
im in uni doing my law degree.
Im single
i Live in Australia

does that even begin to answer the question?? i dont know, i guess we will find out soon.