Its Darkest before dawn

I had a full on week, my first classes went all that bad but then again most of them werent scheduled so i only had 2 hours worth of contact and a lot of reading and studying in the library, here's a few mistakes i wish to never do again:

1. Do not be late for your first class or any class- yes i was late for my very first class of the year, in my defence it was the bus that was late which made me miss my shuttle bus to uni, but none the less this should never ever happen.

2. Always make sure things are in order before you leave the house- i spent a good few minutes agonizing about whether i switched the stove off when i left in the morning, when i should have been concentrating in class,it cost me a lot because i kept on missing bits and pieces of the lecture.

Looking forward to my next week though, im ready to dive in, and oh i got my results from my summer session unit GPA of 5 not bad, but also not great i need an average of 6, or atleast thats the goal.

Wednesday we went to see grandparents, Viv was happy and so was i, for the first few hours, i wish my r/ship with step-father was ideal but its not. I really cant stand being around him for long, he just gets under my skin even when he's not really doing anything. I do miss my father though, yes i know we didn't really know each other but its so much easier to love someone you know is connected to you biologically that someone you just met yesterday and today are told to call him dad. I wish mum had gone about this better but hey whats done is done, and after this trip i can say proudly, moving away was the best decision i ever made.

Viv went and saw dad today and he made sure my trip was less that ideal and just spoiled my mood sll in all, i feel bad for being happy while we are far far away from him but i do. I mean i get hes mad and his male ego is a little tinted but for heavens sake get over it. The things he told his mum  were plain hurtful and a tad far from the truth, when i confronted him about it he did what he does whenever he is caught doing something wrong silence. And his friend, the one who claims im an unfit and irresponsible mom was there, it killed me to see the girl who hates me for having my daughter and who wishes my daughter was hers, well wishes she had a baby with FOB( father of baby), my life was easier if i could pretend she didn't really exist. I'm just so hurt today, from a trip that was supposed to be fun, i wish they would all just leave me alone, i'm really exhausted from everyone making my life their business, i know its not their fault as they don't know the real story or how i really feel but cant they just take my word for it and be happy, i know i would be.

Now they want a DNA test, like seriously whats going to come out of it?? He doesn't want it, its not like he is paying child support or ever will, his parents are not going to contribute to my daughter's upbringing and as for mine i really wonder why they care. I'm her mother and i'm doing everything for her, i'm taking up all this, and im going through more than anyone knows, so why do i need to prove anything to anyone, why do i need to prove that he is her father, he is not acting like one and doesn't intend to, why cant everyone just leave me alone, accept what i say and fit their lives around it, why do i have to fit my life and decisions around them when neither one of them cares about mine and especially when its not going to change a thing. I know this sounds bad but honestly i don't care, i'm sick and tired of being the one who makes compromises.

Monday cant come fast enough, i cannot wait to go home to my peaceful home.

It Bites, its painful

School starting next week, i thought i might go to orientation, get myself in the study zone and meet some new people, but it was the worst mistake ever. I was so bored and reminded of why i hate uni. On the bright side, i got my classes fixed, yes im special i managed to get the timetable changed to accommodate me and my daughter's needs.

A close friend of mine came to visit me, it was nice to see him and be reminded i'm not alone, anyway i got bitten by an ant today and 5 hours later it still hurts so much i feel like crying. I'm excited to start studying, i'm also excited to be going to see mum at the end of the week, but not so excited to be going Canberra but Viv has to see dad and this will be the last time i make an effort for him to see her, from now on he is on his own and i pray to god he actually does pull some weight on this one.

So Remember that photographer i mentioned well i king of texted him and hes going to get back at me as soon as he comes back from his overseas trip, i figured it wouldn't hurt right, plus we could use with some extra cash.

Heres the run down for my courses this session

1. legal and conveyancing practices- This unit looks at the accounting side of legal practices, lecturer seem to be fun and youthful hopefully it wont be that bad.

2. Criminal processes- I'm looking forward to this actually, and i have to sit through court hearing and do a report on them. Already we started a discussion about What makes a criminal, If its illegal to give customers plastic bags and a shop attendant does this does it make her a criminal. I think we will enjoy this unit

3.  Interviewing, negotiation and ethics- hmmm not much to say but looking forward to this one, it will help with my decision as im looking in to practicing in the alternative dispute resolution department and family law which yes deals with lots of negotiations.

4. Litigation Practices- only one thing to say here, if i fail this one i'm quitting law school.

Will have more after my first week. So Stoked about it.

Oh by the way Viv is settling well in day care, which makes it so much easier for me to concentrate, phew, except for one thing, her sleeping habits have changed she now cries herself to sleep even when im holding her, i wonder if its what she does all day when in day care. And im worried they let her spend the whole day in the pram, she was just starting to crawl thats never going to happen when strapped in a pram. might have to talk to them about this, i hate having to do it, hate getting the 'you are young and don't know much about babies, we are more experienced' look it eeks me because she's my child and i handle her very well thank you very much.

Discipline....pffft

So its finally happening first session/semester is starting, next week is orientation week, not sure if i really have to go to that but hey its about discipline right. i really want to get disciplined for this course so here is what i plan to do:

1, after reading posts online im supposed to treat law school like a job wake up same time everyday and study for the same amount of time. Now that will prove a little difficult with a 7 month old who has her own schedule, so 3 days of disciplinary study and the rest of the time just scheduled study will have to do for now, i guess we will see how things go i can put her in day care full time if thats not enough.

2, No last minute assignments and no last minutes cramming for exams and definitely no ''its open book exam i will be fine no need to study hard'. This has been my problem all along, i like last minute stuff but that has to change.

3, No laptop in lectures or tutorials, facebook is an addictive disease seriously

4, Note taking very important pen paper=good,  laptop=bad

5, Participation in class, i know i can be shy sometimes but that aint going to do me any good.

and lastly DO IT NOW, thats all i can say erase the word later in vocabulary.

Overall weekend was good, took pictures of me and bub and photographer asked if i wanted to model for him pfffft...as if im a law school mom no time to pose. Haha!!

Viv started day care yesterday, in my opinion went well, no excessive crying but she didn't eat at all. She seemed happy though but i think her carer wasn't too happy to my surprise you, would think someone who had 3 kids close in age would understand how a new born acts in new environment and would juggle her and 4 older kids but no that wasn't the case. Im thinking i might have to look for an in-home carer for this one, if only it wasnt so expensive. so fingers crossed she starts being good and eating.

Cyclone yasi

So after i had enough i packed my bags and took my little angel to the coast, two days after arriving there were floods and everyone was scared for us, but i wasn't, i don't know why. So anyway after all the floods there was cyclone Yasi a category 5 cyclone that was probably going to destroy everything, lucky for us it was up north, but i was having my very own cyclone Yasi this past week.  Its interesting one person is putting me between a rock and a wall cant stay like this any longer but also don't want to give up, the other is plain pissing me off and acting like an immature piss of s**,i  have an exam coming up so have to study, baby crying for mummy's attention and a girl taking out her anger on me. it was indeed a category 5 one. But i'm pulling myself together.

By the way Viv is starting day care Monday, first time away from mommy, but honestly i think this will be harder on me than her, she's so independent, most times i'm jealous and wish i had a personality like hers

But my storm has settled down, time to turn on the news and find out how the north Queensland people survived. I hope they made it though, we have suffered enough this year.

Vee is here

So Viv was born in July, doctors thought she needed to come out soon because at 8 month preg the only way a person would know i was pregnant was if i tell them and even then they still wouldn't believe me, so i got induced early thus her arriving after 2 hours of labour, lol ( soo lucky).

Still a single mom, and somehow along the way i got the courage to apply to a different uni for a law degree, because i did not have enough uai to get in i applied for associate degree and will be transferring to BA after my first year.

I have a new born bub and im in uni, genius.... but i managed. im doing my course online by the way. its hard doing assignments while feeding every 2 hours and never getting more than three hour sleep. Viv's dad is not so sweet, and very immature and difficult if he doesn't get his way. i have better things to worry about, so i let him hate me from a distance.

How i became a mom

We all know the answer to that one LOL!! but heres the story anyway.

Beginning of 2009 i left the love of my life miles away to come and study...things did not go well so we broke up.

fast forward 7 months later,

had quit uni, i was depressed i drank i even smoked (very embarrassed to admit it), typical night for me i was getting ready to go clubbing got a call from my very annoying other ex and he wanted me to talk to his friend which i did, he seemed sweet but a bit weird as he did not know me but already expressed interest  me (one would think that would have been first sign to RUN!!) the following week we talked twise a day everyday, exchanged photos and it felt nice, slowly i got out of my depression and started feeling worthy and lovable again.

He convinced me to enrol back in uni, so i got my self in an economics degree ( i always liked eco) the i went to meet this mystery man on my phone, he wasn't bad looking and it was night i knew i would never forget just did not know it will be because an angel will come from it.

so december 2009 i was pregnant, daddy was overseas and it became apparent i will be a single mom.

Who am i

so who am i, thats the question i have been asking my self for too long but i have a few points so far

im 20 years old
im a mommy to 1 little princess  6 months to date
im in uni doing my law degree.
Im single
i Live in Australia

does that even begin to answer the question?? i dont know, i guess we will find out soon.