One of those days

Im not only having one of those days but this is one of those posts too. I don't even know what im writing, just literally what ever flows through my head. Its 6:30am i haven't had much sleep and i should be getting ready to get out of here but for some reason i feel like i could just crawl into a cave and never come out. I feel like im going to explode inside. i tried so hard not to open up and acknowledge my feelings let alone express them, but guess i didn't try hard enough now i just feel like i invaded a bee hive and im getting stung every freak-en minute. There are so many things that i want to say to her but i just cant, i cant even write them down because im pretty damn sure its only going to make it worse but god am i exploding inside.

Im driving myself crazy, replaying the conversation, trying to figure out if i missed something and wondering if im doing the right thing. Theres that sentence that keeps popping up, its amazing how just one single sentence can turn your world upside down. i have questions, so many but i know asking them wouldn't be fair, even though she told me not to worry about her, i cant help it, after all thats what you do when you care.

A question as simple as ''What about me?" can drive you crazy. Words as simple as they may seem can have so much impact in our life. I so wish i knew what the hell im meant to do right now? and what pissess me off the most is that i don't even know if it will ever change, or this is how it will be forever.

How im going to make it through the days is still a mystery to me.

Feeling a bit blah

I'm feeling a bit blah today, looking back this whole week has been a big block of blah. I'm so not bothered to study right now and i have an inspection tomorrow so have to clean, i have to go next door to give T her birthday present but i'm just not bothered and don't really wanna face her mom, there been a lot of arguing in that house lately it makes me uncomfortable, i hate confrontations and yelling.

Went looking for new day care center today, saw a few and finally found one i'm happy with, so glad now i'm wondering if Viv should go to day care tomorrow and i either sleep and relax or go to uni and study obviously being the good student i will be at uni :(

For some odd reason i miss being pregnant today, and here is what i miss
miss my round tummy, and rubbing it
 resting my arms and plate on my tummy,
 when bub has hiccups
 all the flatters and kicks keeping me up all night.
 listening to her heartbeat at ultrasounds
sleeping all morning
the midnight runs to get chocolates and ginger biscuits

i could go on all night, actually makes me sad i just wanna hold my tummy but there nothing in there anymore  :(

I do love my little girl so much, and shes grown so fast and still growing, she absolutely adorable and i just cannot express enough just how much i love her. I feel sorry for her dad and anyone who doesn't have a chance to watch their kids grow up everyday. Speaking of daddy, so many people thinks he's such a well typical ''baby daddy' and that its such a tragedy that he is not here with us or taking care of Viv, but i honestly
don't think so. i think he is a wonderful guy who may have had his world turned upside down unexpectedly, and he gave me my beautiful princess, he is the reason why i'm happy with my life now (well for the most part) i'm happy to let him be and live his life, i get such great satisfaction in being able to look after Viv and giving her everything she needs and she has it all, Now maybe if we were struggling and going without and he wasn't helping then it will be a tragedy but at the moment its not.

I choose this life for me, and he should have a chance to choose too without looking bad. That being said yes we have days where we don't see eye to eye, we argue at times and there days im just plaid pissed at him, but most of it is caused by all the pressures on him.

*after all that i still feel blah, sleep time*

To our former day care

Viv's previous day care has been a nightmare and as suggested here is what i would say to them:

I am her mother, i know best, what i say goes and i have the last word. My experience with kids and my age has absolutely nothing to do with it because all that matter is im her mother. i don't care if you have raised three kids and have been a carer for over 10 years, i don't care about what you did with or for your kids and i really don't wanna know about your parenting style and what worked for your kids and all the other kids you looked after. My daughter is not an ordinary kid, i know what she likes and what she doesn't like, i don't feed her anything and everything, i don't let her cry all day, i don't ignore her, i don't leave her in a pram all day and i don't let her cry herself to sleep, i expect you to treat her the same as i do and what i say you should do, thats what i pay you for, not to give me parenting lesson and look after her the way you raised your kids. Honestly i find it ridiculous that you expect an 8 months old baby to be happy left alone inside while you play outside with other kids,

Train of Thoughts

Its amazing how you can start with a single thought and find you have covered more than 5 issues within minutes, i had a train of thoughts today it went like this:

I decided to have a rest today and not study tonight, so i surfed the net endlessly and got really bored, i wondered, i hear of people who are glued to the computer, what the hell do they do in there, from there i thought  i like being busy, that way i never get bored, or maybe i do it to avoid feeling lonely. I am kind of lonely right now, and most days, everything i do im alone, i don't even have friends at uni or anywhere else around here. i remember once telling a dear friend of mine that i don't like attention and she said to me '' you only saying that now, when you don't get it you will want it'' she was right, but also she was wrong, in the end what i should have said was i don't like the attention i'm getting. that led me to remember all the things that happened to me when i was in primary school, the attention i got from boys and still do and also what happened to me, as thats a painful memory i shut it down immediately. then i remembered Viv's Dad.

I don't talk about him much on here, sometimes i even forget about him and pretend to the extend that i somewhat believe she doesn't have a father. hes a nice guy really he just doesn't know where he is headed yet,  another friend of mine said to me i'm so independent that i'm pushing him away and enjoying being a single mom, one other friend says i'm intimidating him and making him feel inadequate because i can provide for her and basically don't need him. I confronted him about these two theories and he confirmed both, and added i have also been quick to solve every problem he or we came across since i got pregnant and thus i'm making him feel less like a man. Speaking of which he did say he wants to buy her a cot but i just got her one today, oops!! But you know what i'm not going to sit around waiting for him to decide to be a man and i'm certainly not going to let my daughter go without just to stroke his man ego. I give him plenty chances to do something for Viv and he always has an excuse or reason to do it later, Viv can't wait.

This all reminded me of the good times, when we used to talk for hours and when i felt loved and needed, i wonder if i will ever feel like that again. I miss that feeling of knowing someone is thinking about you, or knowing you are the reason they are so happy and that no matter what is happening they are looking forward to seeing you. That feeling you get when they look deep in your eyes and you feel their touch... i think you get the picture. It makes me wonder if wanting all this is the reason i'm holding onto the past, its not really them that i'm keeping close its the feeling of being wanted.

in the end its not good, i'm not as wanted as i want, neither one of them give me what i want. they don't give me the attention i want. they may say they love me but its not the love that i want. I'm always talking about them loving me but never about me loving them, hmmm!! makes you wonder. Despite holding on to them i couldn't say i love them although, i could however say i settled for a glimpse of what my heart yearns for. That being said my whole life i have settled, mostly because i craved the so called ''normal'' life.

I don't wanna be normal, i don't wanna settle and as the theme song from one of my favourite TV series goes:

i don't wanna be anything other than me

geez how did i get here?? i wonder??
(after reading that post, i sound like a train wreck)

Motherhood

i was planning to write a long post about motherhood and link it to what im feeling but i decided short and sweet will do.

My mother hurts me a lot, most of the time when i talk to her, especially when i need her help and support, i always end up with a broken heart and tears. I don't know what its going to take for her to realize she has emotionally neglected me, but i have had it, im done making excuses for her, im tired of feeling sorry for her, yes it eases my pain wen i do this but its been too long, the last thing a child should have to do is make excuses for why shes being hurt by her own mother, i don't want my daughter to grow up doing that. I still care for her, after all she gave life to me, and at times i love her, mostly times when i think theres so many things she could have done with me or to me or even about the pregnancy, if you know what i mean. i don't want to hurt her and i don't want to hear her sadness and see her hurt look so im not going to say anything to her, but if i could this is what i would say:

1. I know for the first 16 years of my life you were always away studying and had to love me from a distance but that was supposed to change when we started living under the same roof and within the same country, you are supposed to now take a more active role in my life.

2. Mothers help their children, teaches them and supports them. This may all be new to you since you are still a new mom despite having 3 kids. i grew up learning to solve my own problems and being miss independent but that was all because mom was not around, so when i come to you with a problem, yes i know im capable of solving it my self but i just want my mom's help not for her to tell me i can do it. I know who i am and what im capable of doing as nice as it is to hear you say it i still want your input, not because im stuck but because you are my mom and i can get to say well i couldn't have done it without my wonderful mom. When i ask you to show me how to do something or ask you to teach me something 80% of the time i do know but just want to be able to say ''my mother showed me how to do that'' or '' my mother taught me'' and the other 20% i know i can google it or look at the manual but again i want to share an experience with my mother.

3.When i have a crisis and a breakdown and come to you, i do not want a solution or for you to tell me how i can choose how i feel or to tell me that im being silly or you don't see or understand why im upset. I want you to recognize that im hurting and that should be the only thing that matters not the details of why how when. And most times i want you to agree that its hurtful and be a shoulder for me to cry on, give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be ok. i cannot stress this more i doesn't matter whats wrong all that should matter to you is that im hurting and that should be the one thing you do not want for me.

4.Yes you have been with Francis for a long time, but guess what i have only known him for 3 years. I was 6 years old when you and him got together, you build a life together but i wasn't part of it, you may have talked about me and included me in your plans but i had no clue who he is or even that he is your partner. When i met him he was just my mom's friend who brought me stuff from mom, and i forgot about him within an hour, so yes i was very surprised to find he lives with you.  When you married him, again i was not informed and did not know anything, when i moved here i didn't know i would be living with him. So its very unreasonable for you to ask me to call a man i just met and know nothing about my father, and its very very uncomfortable. Its was unfair and again unreasonable for you to tell me and expect me to live with his parents when i visit back home, i don't know if you realize you are asking me to forget about my grandmother the woman to raised me, was up with me at night when i was having nightmares, held my hand when i was sick, taught me everything i know. she is the reason i am who i am today, and i love her. What you asking is for me to become a visitor in her home and go live with a woman who's first name i don't even know, a woman i wouldn't even recognize should i run into her in the street. Yes at your wedding ceremony i was energetic, seemed happy and danced more than i have ever done but that was to prevent myself from breaking down in tears, it was the only way i could maintain the fake smile i and on. i bet you don't even remember that i was sitting in the back of the house the day before the wedding crying upon hearing i was going to have to change my name and move houses. I do hope you realize im never changing my name, its who i am, and its the family i know and love.

and thats the short version. ;(

Soul Searching

I think this idea is a bit oversold, all the negative things that may come from doing it aren't disclosed as much as they should be. What if, as it is with my case, in the process of soul searching you offend someone you truly care about and risk losing them. i didn't mean to but i did, as much as the excuse of it was long time ago when i was too young to understand goes, its really not an excuse or atleast thats what i think. So when this happen what do we say, is soul searching still a good process and only good things can come from it?

And what happens when you uncover things from your past, things you purposely buried deep down and never looked back. What if you suddenly develop the desire to open those long lost memories up and explore more. Theres a reason why i haven't so much as thought of her in 7 years, now all i want is to find out more about her, questions are flooding my mind, where is she? what is she doing? how is she? what does she look like? does she even remember me? i wanna know but wouldn't that be a bad idea, wouldn't that be opening a can of worms that was closed up for a really good reason? but on one hand im soul searching right.

Also what happens when i start doubting my decisions and the choices i made so far, what happens when i start wondering if things would be different had i made a different choices, is this good? If i had not been afraid of what was happening and stayed what would have happened? would my life be different now?

I can't help wonder? i cant help wonder how it would have been to be with her? I can help wonder if my desire to find her is a result of me regretting the choices i made? i can't help but wonder what would happen if i find her? i cant help but wonder if the next thing im going to do will be a mistake?

I think i should leave the past in the past but my curiosity almost always overpowers me. We'l see how it goes.

im soul searching

The Ex-file

When talking about past relationships and exes, i wish i would say im opening a can of worms, a past thats in the past and  gladly forgotten, but i have come to realize i haven't closed any of those chapters in fact my past is in the present and threatening any future i may have.Four exes are still a part of my life, and surprisingly a great part of it, they holding me back.

Firstly my romeo, yes he was my forever before we even dated, i spent years and years loving him in and out when the time came it was gone...the love i mean. we had a long shallow relationship eventually i cut him loose, yet he still lurks around, i still at fall for the idea of being with him, i tap into those fantasize i had about him and me and we still talk and he still tells me how i mean the world to him and he loves me.

Second is my prince charming, yes the one who killed the dragon and saved me from the tower. You see i fell for someone, it didn't feel right or natural but damn she was beautiful so i ran and i fell in his arms. He protected me and we had a wonderful 2 years, did not end well, i ran again as usual. but last few years we have been going back and forth and recently i began to think maybe i should let go and im wondering if i really love him thats never a good sign.

Third is... my friend who is not a friend, yes we attempted to date it failed we remained friends. or are we. He loves me he wants me, i want and need a friend so i keep him around and every time he slips and lure him and make him believe i want him. now i cant take the begging anymore.

Lastly baby daddy himself, he gives me a headache but truth is he is a lovely guy and i know exactly what he is going through, lucky for me when i was going through the same thing there was no baby involved. Hes just a guy who was going through a tough time and dug himself deeper instead. We have a typical relationship of people who have an unplanned baby but aren't together but it gets tricky, he still wants me but doesn't want the baby, lol. being around him in a friendly way i feel like a single mom with non biological person if u know what i mean.

Something tells me unless i cut off these people, well at least some, i wont have a future, somehow i got to find a way to keep my past exactly there, in the past. how do people do it? its so much easier to be friends with them considering i did love them, and they played a very big part in my life as it is now. I don't see a future for myself and for my baby girl until i sort this out. Definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, this is how my life feels especially my love life.

I need a fresh start and new people in my life. but HOW?

Where is the glue

Second week at Uni rundown:

missed my monday lecture as i flew back that morning, but wasn't bad i did listen to the lecture that evening and was well aware of the materials being covered and my readings we all done, none the less i felt bad doing it, after all this year is all about discipline.

Tuesday was good, despite me falling asleep quite often during my first lecture, yes very terrifying, the guy needs a lesson himself, it honestly bored me to death, and the rest of my day was awesome.

Wednesday i had some me time Viv at day care, i studied watched some tv and cooked until i got a call from her carer demanding i rush over to get her :( sad really when you pay someone to look after your kid and they tell you they cant handle them yet expect full payment, i was very upset especially learning my precious little girl is left to cry all day, so much till she fall asleep.

Anyway Thursday i woke up ready and excited to go to uni only to receive a message to let me know i can not bring Viv to day care as they are ''tired'' SERIOUSLY i have uni in 2 hours what do you suggest i do now. basically i reached panic mode, tried to find a sitter with no luck, finally accepted im not going to uni.

After getting over my depression i decided to stop on campus study and transfer to external study, at least them i will be home with bub, it wont be easy but what else can i do Viv first, school second. I will send her to day care 1 day a week and see how that works out, fingers crossed.