its time

i hit rock bottom this morning, turned into a psychotic woman. A visit to the psychologist is called for here, my biggest fear is becoming a reality.

down down down

I feel down

i feel like a useless piece of s*

i feel disrespected

i feel unloved and uncared for

i feel alone

i feel like one of those people who let their kids define them

i feel like im losing my newly found self esteem

i feel hurt

i feel like i shouldn't be alive

i feel like i really hate life

i feel like crying

i feel like hurting myself

i feel like a wreck

i feel undeserving

i feel like just sleeping

im tired of this

im tired of life

Im tired of wanting....anything

Im tired of waiting

Im tired of not finding

im tired of being tired

what i really want is to be happy, to find something good in my life, why is that so damn hard. i really want all this running around to stop, to just settle down and live my life, to stop wondering where its going to go, i want everything to be in place. Or if thats all too damn much can i just have a mind of a typical 20 year old who just care about the next party or their next hook up.

Why or why is it that im like this seriously god damn, i bet hes just loving this, watching me break down into pieces. Im really really sick and tired of all these games, someone please give me a new, fresh, and bearable perspective. ANYWAY life goes on.

The most important things

so yeah my day was very interesting, i woke up anxious, bursting inside and just needing to express my feelings except i didn't get the chance to, however i did manage to get the whole story so from there i just went to pissed. i was angry and feeling very argumentative and eventually irritable. needless to say i got up and became a mom, however i wasn't very attentive to my little girl who hadn't done anything to deserve that treatment. being such a smart girl ( takes after mommy) she figured she might as well get both of us out of the dark place we were in, so while i was sitting there staring into space and consumed by my thoughts she said

We are on a mission...

Yes we are on a mission, a mission to get Miss V sleeping in a cot through the night and hopefully self settling, and yes the second part is a very long shot. Co-sleeping was lovely, she nursed to sleep and would wake up at night next to food, feed and sleep neither one of us had to be up for long, but now neither one of us gets much sleep so as much as i loved it something has got to give. Game Plan.....

Expectations

Why do we have to have expectations, both on our selves, our friends, family and life it self.  My aim in life is to go through it with as little emotional pain as possible, in order to do that i have to cut down on my disappointments and that really comes from unmet expectations. So there, i don't expect much from myself, from people around me and from the world at large. Some may think its wrong to do that, or that i'm missing out on something but quite honestly all i want is to be happy and if that means expecting nothing that so be it.

oh my god what am i doing

Ok seriously now, i don't know what the hell i been doing lately. I been so wrapped up in my non-existent love life that is like a soap opera, trust me the bold and the beautiful doesn't even come close, anyway i will do what i think i should consider doing in my life, separate things so here goes

Ticking time bombs

I feel good but for some reason it seems like there are a few ticking time bomb here, i wish she could see it. unfortunately i don't have the words to explain it to her. Its like theres a bomb, she knows where it is and how it got there but is not fussed to do anything about it. As much as i wanna believe that this will all work out i'm afraid there will be a few explosions before that happens, yes we trying to avoid that but in my opinion its just delaying it, but anyway maybe i'm just over thinking it and maybe its not my problem to worry about.

Ooops!!

Im so stupid, i told her i want to have her babies WHAT!!! yes thats right i just said, i wanna have your baby grrrrrrr!!! i feel like hitting my head against the wall a few times. Then i went on to tell her i been thinking about it for a while more than 8 months,

Nothing to report really

Other than the affairs of my silly little heart theres not much going on here

Viv
she has done a few things lately,cut two bottom teeth ( very horrible experience for the both of us) is crawling and moving about, lately been standing, kinda scary as she falls quite a bit. i just officially weaned her from breastfeeding, well at least for during the day im not sure what i will do about night feeds, it shall be interesting.

You! Yes...You (don't read)

I cant stop thinking of you, yes i know we have made a decision and yes i know i never wanted to talk about it ever again but i just cant stop thinking about it. I found a way to stop it hurting so bad but i just havent found a way to stop it driving me crazy

i guess i have just been hard headed lately, i know it is what it is, and nothing can be done about it, well atleast by me but i just know in my heart its supposed to be different, it has to be, i feel like im giving up, i feel like im failing myself once again.