Running away...from myself

I was born a runner, whenever things don't go well i run, im forever craving a fresh start, to re-invent myself try a new lifestyle and be a brand new person and forget the old me... the thing about this is it never works, no matter how far i go 'myself' will always be there, and whatever im running away from will eventually catch up.

There was a time in my life when i felt empty, i felt like i didn't exist i was invincible. i didn't know who i was so much i wouldn't recognize myself in the mirror, it hurt so bad...

And then there was a time when i was numb, i didn't feel, i went with the flow i had a routine a cycle if you may school-work-shopping-clubbing-school. I didn't think much of anything and i didn't feel any sort of emotion towards anything. It got to me, i remember one day sitting on the stairs and realizing i haven't felt anything in a long time...i cried and then i thought how good it felt to cry.

 i found myself in fact i'm still finding out more about me, i'm not sure i'm liking it, i feel so weak so un-grounded, i feel like a child learning to walk and talk, i have no control of myself, i can't express myself in fact i'm not sure how to live on, whats right or whats wrong, it takes  me so long to process my feelings. I'm a wreck i don't know what i'm doing or what i'm saying all i know is i'm messing it up

.....................................................but i guess i should take comfort in knowing i have finally found myself.

And now i wanna run away from myself, i have packed my bags once again, despite having found good reasons for the move i know deep down its just me running away from myself, i feel like i haven't found what i was looking for when i came here, a fresh start.

Holding on too tight

I have had a rather frustrating couple of weeks, i'm over worked, overwhelmed and highly stressed. Ever since the day i honestly truly really accepted i had to let her go, it seems that i simultaneously  held on too tightly to everything everything else

It is really frustrating, i know i have to let loose, clear my head give myself a break but the thought of it actually result in the opposite. I feel like i'm going to fall apart, i'm losing everything and  everyone that i care for is slipping away, so in turn i'm holding on tighter.

i'm holding on to a r/ship with my mom that i wish i had but don't have, i'm putting excessive pressure on my self to do well in school. i need to relax, de-stress and clear my head, but i'm a mess, i have lost too much this year i cant afford to lose anymore. So how do i loosen up without feeling like my world is falling apart, that is a question yet to be answered.

Not a fairy tale ending....

I think the process has begun, i have finally accepted that i really have to let this one go and she shall forever remain the one that got away. Its hard, i still think about her everyday.

I found myself jumping into a r/ship with Prec...i now realise what a mistake that was, i feel guilty because i'm thinking about someone else all the time, i'm saying things to Prec that i wanna say to someone else. I know this is not going to end well, but its too late to do anything about it...or rather its too soon.

i don't know whats wrong with me i guess it's love. Not many people believe in love at first sight, they don't believe you can meet someone, look into their eyes and just know at that very moment you love them. Because of this many people miss it, they are too busy looking for something else. The day i saw her and i knew there was something there. I will never know what she was thinking, is thinking or if she really loves me.

 I will take comfort in knowing that i loved, even though i'm now broken i felt love, a feeling so pure and so fulfilling. Now i wanna protect my heart from ever going through this kind of pain, and it seems like an easier option to not love again, to not open my heart to anyone again, but once you have felt that kinda love it can't be easy to settle for anything less. And that's the dilemma i will forever face, i have no doubts i will love her forever, that kinda love doesn't just disappear.

Imagine Me and You

Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

So happy together
How is the weather
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together
Happy together
So happy together
So happy together (ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba)

Hate is a very strong word....

They say you go through five stages of loss i'm not sure if i'm on the second stage or forth...

I hate you for doing this to me
I hate you for making me make such a difficult choice
I hate you for making me cry so much
I hate you because a memory of you can just destroy my mood in seconds
I hate you for not being here with me
I hate you for making me wanna share my life with you when you don't wanna do the same thing
I hate you for making it impossible for me to want anything else
I hate you for making me fall for you when you clearly had to intention to catch me.

And more importantly I love you more than i have ever loved nor wish to ever love someone and i hate you for that too.